Uninspirational
Being jobless and lack of inspiration has almost knocked my head out of me. I think I'm mentally torturing myself if I don't get a job any sooner. Being solistically sad I would normally say, "Fuck it and enjoy life" but then again I'm turning restless and into a useless vegetable. I better do something about it if I don't want to rot in hell.As I switched on the PC the other day, I noticed something amiss.. All of a sudden I was like FUCKIN' Hell, someone reformatted my comp! All my pictures! Everything!! That idiot did not even save anything. Neither did that person leave a note to say sorry. Smoke was already blowing out of my ears. First Blogspot had some server problem which did not let me upload any pictures! It kept repeating the first upload. Now everything is gone. Poor me.
I think I spend 70% of my time out the house. 30% of my time spent at home would be sleeping + playing with the dog + a litle of chores + toilet. I do feel a little guilty of not making more effort to be home. However I do feel emptiness at home. For quite sometime, me and mom could never get along. We tend to squabble over small little minor things which would then lead to bigger things. I do respect her just that our opinion differs from different point of views. Sometimes I would just shut up and let her do the talking but MOST of the time my ego tend to run over me and open my mouth. We'll not speak for a couple of days and then its back to normal. Unlike my dearest sister, she has the gift of the gap and she leads a very healthy relationship with mom. My lil' brother, the baby of the house. No doubt he gets a lot of attention and again he's mommy's little boy. Sometimes I do wonder what is that, that my siblings has and I don't.
Since young I have never been mommy's favourite as there's always my brother and sister. I have always been daddy's little girl. I still remember when I was a child, I would wait patiently for daddy to come home. Seeing him at the door step, I would run towards him with my hands right open. He would then pick me up and swing me around. Showering his cute little girl with kisses and hugs, he'll put me in the bath and shower me. When it is play time, I would sit on his legs and he'll go up and down like a see saw. Come bedtime, he'll tell me a bedtime story and tuck me in bed.
As years go by, we're not close as before but I was still daddy's little girl. I would still spend time with him. He'll send me wherever I wanted to go, tell me funny stories and was always there for me when I needed him. When I was 19, I was supposed to further my studies to Australia with my sister at the same time. Sister to do her final year and me to do my 2nd and final year there. Sharemarket wasn't too good so I stayed back. Age 20 came, daddy wanted me to go to UK. Mommy said no. Saying that a lot of money has been spent and sister was still in Australia. Parents had a huge arguement. Daddy graduated from UK and wanted me to follow his footsteps. Mom had other bigger plans for brother and sister and she figured since I skipped foundation I saved her a heafty sum of money. She wanted me to graduate locally. Daddy did all the talking and in the end I went over.
The 1 year I was there, I would call and talk to my parents (especially daddy) almost every week. I taught daddy how to use msn. He bought me a webcam and sent it to me. From there he monitored my progress. He noted from the Skinny-Me I became the Fatty-Me. He even knew when I was upset and when I wasn't. His proudest moment was when he came over for my graduation. I remember seeing the smiles beaming all over him.
Daddy was always there for me but when he breathed his last breath, I wasn't anywhere near him. Not even in a 10 km radius. No matter how fast the car was, I was still 20 minutes too late. Reaching home and seeing daddy gone, I broke down. 5 months has passed and I still miss him. As I write about him, memories flood back, tears roll down my cheeks and I can see him standing in front of me, supporting me in whatever I do. Sometimes before sleeping, I think about him and do wonder why daddy has to go so soon.
During daddy's funeral, mommy, sister and brother were very calm. They didn't want dad to leave with a heavy heart knowing we were crying our hearts out. I just couldn't put on a happy face. 3 days I didn't sleep, 3 days I didn't eat. The whole time, I was just crying, crying and crying. The hardest moment was when daddy's and his casket was sent into the burner. I ran after it and just cried my heart out. Daddy I love you very much and I regret my whole life not telling you so. I miss you a lot and I would try to make the best out of my life. You brought me up for 23 years full of success and I would not let you down. I love you daddy.
posted by nikki @ 1:25 AM
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